Also he just left. He went to goodwill today for black slacks and a black shirt. Came back and the pants were too small so now he has to go to walmart and buy these pants and get to work by 4:30. This is his first day and I can tell he’s stressed and my heart is breaking for him. I feel so emotional today. Maybe it’s because my online business sucks or because I haven’t found a job yet or because I have a lot on my mind. Anyway I had to see jeff off in a hurry and it’s moments like that when I realize how much I do care about him and hurt for him and such. I’ll worry about him until I hear from him again. I hope he has a good first day once he’s there and everything. I have a feeling he’ll be late but I told him being late is better than not showing. I don’t know. I was invited to a party tonight but I’m not in a people mood and it’s not like anyone will notice I didn’t show anyway. My little sister told me all week she’d stay with me this weekend and bailed on me earlier today. I’m not complaining about being alone tonight. I’d almost certainly feel more alone by going to a party. I hate to admit it but I’m not much of a people person at this point in my life. That alone is generally frowned upon.

•

I haven’t updated this in a while. I guess I’ve either not been personal lately or I haven’t had anything personal worth sharing. Jeff starts his new job tonight at hibachi. I love that guy with my whole heart but sometimes I miss not being involved with someone. If I weren’t so dependent on him I wonder if we’d even be dating at this point. I love having a relationship with him but I hate the feeling of commitment or however its spelled. I don’t know what I’m trying to say. perhaps I shouldn’t be saying this at all

•

why I let myself do things that cause more problems in the midst of all the others that I actually can’t control is beyond me. but I’m super depressed lately.

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As if I could reach up and even take the sun from it’s spot
I feel like I am the dirt beneathe the bugs as I’m laying here

lazy and discontent, but alright with it.
I’ve lowered my standards and this is where it’s put me

Below a blue, October sky
Letting the cold air kiss my white shoulders
Letting the sun set into my freckles.

And in this moment I am empty
and nothing holds it’s meaning.

So I bring down my empty hand
to hold it with my empty other

Close my eyes to think of  later.
Wonder how I’ll sleep tonight.

Hope that one of these days I get my guard back up,
to a million miles high

where no one will ever get it down
and I will never feel this…

down.
Pull myself up
And jump right back inside.

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I have a really good feeling I’m going to get a callback in the next 48 hours, but at the same time I can’t help but naturally be doubtful. the position I applied for is like 32 hours a week so I’d easily make 800$ a month. which means saving up for my half of beach trip expenses would be so easyyyy. I’m really worried about having to step it up and potentially work a job that I’d generally be too uncomfortable to work. but if goodwill doesn’t call me then I have no other option. either I get a job, or we don’t go to the beach.

well, that’s not true. we went last year and spent maybe 600? I think? but this year if we want to go and only jeff is paying we won’t get ocean front, we won’t be able to stay for four nights, aaand we won’t get to go out to eat anywhere. which I’m not super bummed about. I mean the reason I go to the beach is to play in the ocean. from like 9 am til 3 that’s what we do, haha.

but yea. I wanted this year to be really special and nice and fancy for our 13 month anniversary.

I wish my mom would just leave the freaking car here during the day so I could go do shit. I pretty much don’t care about not having friends anymore. I mean I miss some people, but basically I’m not worried about having a social life anymore. I’m worried about having a job so I can learn to finally support myself and be the buyer sometimes rather than jeff always paying. not that he cares to, buuuuut

who knowssss. I want to get a job and keep it. I have a problem with that, or I have in the past and I want it to stay in the past. I want to slowly work my way up to being a functioning, independent, hardworking person before I try to have a social life. it’s just not something I want right now, like at all. I want good things for myself and I’m slowly getting a grip.

having my license still shocks me because I honestly thought I’d end up having to wait until jeff turned 21 to take me. my mom helped me in no way other than taking me to the dmv. jeff let me drive his car, he taught me how to back out properly, how to change lanes, how to parallel park, basic controls, everything. anyway THANKFULLY I have my license now and it is no longer an issue.

what is an issue is my weight. I’ve gained like 5 pounds in the past two weeks because I’ve been on a constant binge. I also never workout anymore, or really do any kind of exercise. I want to start running and try to do a mile in ten minutes or less and jeff said he’d gladly do that with me. now if only it didn’t rain everyday. I mean I could run in the rain, but I just don’t know if I’m that dedicated yet. I still want to be under 200 by the time we go on our beach trip. I think this is the first time I’ve openly mentioned my weight on this specific blog. but yea, I don’t want to put the exact number, but I am over 200. the few people I’ve told that to usually say they can’t believe it but I think it’s because I’m so tall, a lot of the fat kinda evens out. but still, there’s no hiding the fact that I NEED to lose weight. I don’t even care if I only make it to 195, I just hate my body and I hate the fact that my weight is so embarrassingly high. blehhhhhhhhhhhhhh anyway.

today I have the choice to eat well, if nothing else. I’m afraid of temptation because all we have are frozen meals with like 500 calories among other bad shit aaand freezer pizza. I might make some homemade soup because that’s extremely healthy and filling, and I’m sorry but when I’m hungry I want something hot with a lot of texture. luckily I have plenty of stuff to throw a stew together with.

this is a really long post.. I need to get a life.

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I want to be as far away from my family as possibly right now. I don’t know how much more of it I can take before I snap on someone.

I feel like good things happen to me, but in the background bad things are always going to around, happening.

•

He has been cutting back on the jwh (I don’t honestly know what she means by jwh) and ceased altogether last night.  It is a certainty that he has been experiencing withdrawal while cutting back, and equally as certain that his condition will worsen before it gets better.  He’s been alternating with mj (marijuana)to wean, increasing the mj while decreasing the other.  The other is gone and he’s not getting any more.   You need to be aware, and while you’re at the house, help keep an eye on him in the daytime and don’t take his paranoia personally.  I don’t think it will get extreme, but let me know if you think he’s losing touch with reality to the extent that he is a danger to self/others.  If at any time you don’t feel safe, leave the house and call me.  We have excellent health coverage and I will seek medical intervention if necessary.  (The stuff he was doing is not illegal, so the process wouldn’t be complicated).   Don’t worry about him prowling the property and glaring at neighbors.  The law actually protects that sort of thing, as long as he’s on his own property.  Frankly, I prefer he direct his anger at them.  They may just deserve it after last summer’s ditch fiasco.   I know it’s a bitch to have to deal with this.  Recovery is never pretty; it’s why so many people avoid it. I can use your help (being there, keeping me posted, and understanding), but I understand if it’s asking too much. 

I don’t want to be here anymore.
   

•

cannot express my disappointment in today. this is my 7th post pertaining to hopefully making it to the dmv today to take the driving test. I have until 5 to get there. the dmv closes at 6 but they don’t let people take the driving test past 5:30. or something.

well it’s about 2 right now. I’m really hoping to make it over there today. if I don’t it’s not on my account. I wish jeff was 21 already because I would’ve probably had my license by now.

honestly I don’t even know what to type. but I know I’m stressed out. I’m anxious. I’m nervous about driving with the instructor. I’m afraid I won’t know something. I’m very, very high strung. I haven’t talked to jeff at all today and I need his positivity. I need him to reassure me.

I just now got a text from my mom saying the absolute earliest she can get out of work is 3:30. so this gives me a whole ‘nother hour and a half to sit and worry about everything. fml

I’m starting to get into the mindset of not wanting to do it now. when things don’t go as planned, which they never do, I end up wanting to cancel it all and say fuck it, forget it, we’ll deal with it another time.

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I’m legitimately worried about my dad’s mental health. sometimes he’ll walk through and talk to me and I have no idea what he’s actually talking about.

example:

just a few minutes ago he walked through and asked me what I want to be when I grow up. so I told him I want to open a second hand clothing store with a more tasteful selection than that of goodwill or other typical thrift shops.

from there I think he was trying to tell me that if I’m passionate about it, then I need to do it. but he kept trailing off saying bizarre things like that we have 40 neighbors and he wants to meet each and everyone of them, and work on our woods, and the art of cleaning the litter box or the zen of it. like legitimate rambling. I can’t say much to him because I’ve never had a close relationship with my dad. in fact I felt totally uncomfortable with him even talking to me. I can’t look him in the eyes when he speaks to me. I can’t find it in me to have an actual conversation with him. basically I just nod and say “yea…” unless I’m asked a question that can’t be avoided, ya know? I have such a strange relationship with him but I don’t want to get into that.

I think he was telling me he’s never been passionate about anything. typing this makes my throat feel tight and my eyes water because talking about my dad is such a sensitive subject for me. I typically avoid it at all costs but I just have to get this out and jeff’s at work leaving me with no one to really run to.

my dad hasn’t worked since 2008. the reason being shortly after his very serious surgery the company he worked for layed off a lot of people, my dad being one of them. he had initially worked full time my entire life and my mom always stayed home. once he was let go he found another job but that only last a couple of months and he called it quits. during that time my mom was back in school full time. she works at the capitol now and he’s here. all day. mostly alone because he and I generally don’t say more than a few things to each other throughout the days.

I honestly fear that he’s losing his mind. he’s had a hard life. I recently learned things about him that I hope no child has to learn about their father or grandparents. he was an alcoholic for my entire childhood and a recovering addict during my early teenage years and I’ve learned in the past couple of years to forgive him for most of what he’s done. but still the awkwardness and distance between us is …it’s something, I’m really not sure what to say about it.

he’s sad. he has a couple of mental illnesses. he’s got problems. and I hurt for him. I wish I knew what to say to him to make his days a little bit easier.

basically his life is waiting for my mom to come home. and ultimately waiting for the weekend when she doesn’t have to work. that’s a sad life, and he partially brings it upon himself. he doesn’t do a lot of what he used to because of how his surgery effected him physically. when it’s too cold out his hips hurt. when he overworks himself his entire body hurts. he’s got scars the entire way up both calves and both hips from the surgery. he has no hobbies. he’s self conscious. he hates going out in public. he openly calls himself retarded and he genuinely believes that he is in a way.

really he’s the most intelligent person I’ve known throughout my life but like most geniuses, his brain is starting to turn on him and he’s seriously going crazy. he rambles, he watches the news constantly and yells at the tv, he fears his own death is soon and will be caused by a national or international crisis. it’s on a different level though. I’m not talking about people who believe in 2012 or I’m not saying he thinks the government is secretly up to know good. but in a way, yea.. I hear him talking to the television. he’s legally schizophrenic and is very capable of making up the most ridiculous scenarios you couldn’t even imagine. I’ve witnessed it firsthand too many times. 

I sincerely believe he is a man whose thoughts are so deep, intricate, and constant that overtime they’ve begun to scare him mad. and nothing is more terrifying than having to come to terms with that fact. I wish with all my heart that he finds something to bring him out of this 3-4 year rut he’s trapped in.

I don’t know.

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my house is so quiet and still. it’s depressing. if I pass the driving test this friday it will instantly turn my life around. I won’t be sitting at home all alone anymore. and maybe I’ll come out of my shell. maybe not. all I know is I’ll be happier if I can drive and just leave when I want. I don’t even mind to be by myself, it’s just if I actually want to get out I sort of have to rely on others right now.

wanna change that. I’m getting my tattoo tonight. excited, I hope he wants to do more than just the outline. odds are in my favor but then again you never know because typically 100 bucks doesn’t get you a finished tattoo the size I want. but our artist is easy on pricing with jeff and me for some reason. he said he’d work on jeff’s giant arm piece for 2 hours just for 100$ soooo

I hope jeff doesn’t mind that I invited someone to come with us. our tattoo dates are really special to him and I just hope he isn’t upset about it. I’m thinking about just not telling him until we’re there /shrug

it’s not like he’d get mad. at me. ever, haha. I don’t think he’s ever been mad at me.

I have a strong feeling my tattoo plans for friday evening are going to fall through. which sucks, but then again it is a free tattoo so I can’t complain too much.

all I’ve done today is shower, laundry, and sit on my ass. I feel drained even though I have no reason to be. I’m extremely bored. I organized all of my clothes earlier but as I’ve stated before cleaning is so terrible when it’s cold and quiet in the room. so I gave up on that again.

it’s been two days since I applied to block buster. I know there’s still time to receive a callback but I’m worried it won’t happen. man I am such a debbie downer, haha. never really noticed. that’s a lie.

anyway. this pointless post is just helping me make it through the afternoon. jeff doesn’t get off work until 5, won’t be here until 5:20, and our appointment is allllll the way at 6 o’clock.

six more hours. do you know how sorta long that is? if I left right now I could be in south carolina by then

I digress

today will be good. I hope. fingers crossed.

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